Hello? Ambien Walrus?!

I don't sleep. No really...I slept an HOUR AND A HALF TOTAL the other night. After much coaxing from some close friends I decided to go to the doctor. You know, cause the insomnia's only been going on for, what, ten years now? Well...this spell has been particularly long and ridiculous, so I went.

I went armed with my list of failed sleep-inducing activities, a timeline of the past four or five months, and an honest to God need to get some ZZZZ's. I got through maybe a paragraph's worth of explanation before my doctor looked at me, in shock, and told me she'd be right back.

Within 15 minutes I held in my shaky little hands an Rx for Ambien and a referral for a sleep study. 45 minutes after that (I did an awesome arm and ab workout at the gym) I walked home with my sacred little pharmacy bag.

It has been so long since I've slept normally and for a legitimate amount of time that, now that I have the little pill to put me there, I'm terrified to take it. I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of...perhaps losing the POWER I feel I have in being awake all the time. Or maybe its just all the Ambien horror stories PLUS the hilarious and extensive medication guide that came with this junk. The first item in a list of "reported activities" while on it is:

DRIVING A CAR ("sleep driving")

Are you KIDDING me?! ThankyouJesus I don't have a car. Also included in the list were (in parentheses, see my thoughts):

Making and eating food (Dear God I'm going to burn the building down)
Talking on the phone (Dear God this sounds worse than drunk dialing)
Having sex (Dear God...oh dear God)
Sleep Walking (Dear God I am going DOWN)

In talking pretty extensively with my roommate about this stuff, he has assured me that if I'm going to do any 'sleep activities' they'll generally be something I already do rather frequently. To which I responded with my list:

SLEEP WORKING OUT (or walking to the gym)
SLEEP WALKING TO MY JOB
SLEEP CLEANING MY KITCHEN
SLEEP TEXTING
SLEEP EATING KASHI GOLEAN AND PLAIN NONFAT YOGURT
SLEEP PAINTING MY NAILS
SLEEP BEATING PEOPLE UP

Obviously some of these are WAY more of a problem than others. If I wake up in my pajamas on the streets of New York because I 'ambiened' myself out of bed and to the gym or work at 2 o'clock in the morning I will be...I don't even know. Impressed? Mortified? Terrified? Amused?

Bottom line, this bottle is going untouched tonight. I think I'll have one or two last hurrah nights with my insomnia. I'm going to embrace it and appreciate it, love it and cherish it. And then I'm going to kick it outta bed like I do to most men (what what?!).

Okay and now for one more comic...cause both of these made me smile big time.